Jury Duty

Haven't blogged in a while, since I've been stuck in jury duty since late November (ugh!). I know it's probably against the rules, but I managed to sneak a photo of the jury so you could see the people I've been with for the last month or so...

Meet Tijuana Juan

This is my favorite Christmas ornament I've ever made. I call him "Tijuana Juan". I don't know why...

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me...

...and it's not the money I could be saving with Geico!

Poison Chocolate, Anyone?

This actually makes really good hot chocolate, if you can get past Miss Marple's evil twin on the label.

If you look closely at the label, you can actually see what she's thinking...

Seen Around Town, Part IV

Your Holiday Listless?

Artistic Statement of the Day IV

I was just practicing using the gradient mesh tool in Illustrator, and voila! USB Boy was born!

Burning Questions

For some reason, I woke up this morning wondering why there are leap years. It seems kind of silly to have to remember that every year that is divisible by four that can NOT be evenly divided by 100 unless it CAN be divided by 400 is a leap year. I understand that we do that to keep the Gregorian Calendar we follow in sync with the Earth's revolution around the sun, but wouldn't it make more sense to just redefine the word "year" to mean 365.2425 days (the average year since the Gregorian Calendar was introduced) instead of 365? If you like whole numbers, there could still be the current 365 days a year, but a "day" would have to be redefined to be 24.016 hours. And if you want to keep that number at the current 24, of course, an "hour" would have to be redefined to be 60.04 minutes, etc.

Now I know there'd be some resistance from, oh say, the Timex company at first, since they'd have to redesign all their watches, but in the long run I think it would be a good thing.

I think about these things.

Magic Pretzels?

"GUARANTEED FRESH UNTIL SEP 18" boldly proclaims the label, but September 18 of what year? Do they magically regenerate every year? And what exactly happens on SEP 19? I have a lot of unanswered questions regarding these pretzels, and the weird, noseless little girl on the label ain't talkin'...

Redesigned Penny for Your Thoughts...

We keep hearing that pennies are going to be eliminated, that they cost more to produce than they're worth and that they just make people's purses heavier. So then yesterday I got this shiny beauty in change from my friendly (meant sarcastically, as they are NOT particularly friendly) neighborhood Walgreens (in fact, I'm pretty sure some of the employees there are on a work release program, but that's another blog post entirely). I guess that's a pretty clear sign that there are no immediate penny-discontinuation plans.

As for me, I'm all for keeping them around. Especially if they continue this "before they were President" series. The possibilities are endless; Martin Van Buren pouring drinks in Kinderhook, NY; James K. Polk felling trees along Tennessee's Duck River... That's good stuff!

Well, anyway, that's my two cents...

Not So Lucky (After the Lawsuit)...

Walking around our favorite "ethnic" grocery store the other day, I noticed this carton of Lucky Crown Broccoli and couldn't believe my eyes. Now, my goal is not to get the Lucky Crown Broccoli Company in trouble, but, as a graphic designer myself, I find stealing somebody's crown (pardon the pun) reprehensible. And if you ARE going to steal a logo, why on earth would you pick a nationally recognizable symbol like Budweiser? Just sayin'...

Artistic Statement of the Day III

I'm not sure, but it looks like she's doing a "pit check"...

Betcha Can't Tell the Difference

One day recently, we wanted to have hot dogs for lunch (I know, they're not good for you and they're made with questionable ingredients, but we can't help it; we LOVE them). But what's this? No mayonnaise? I reached into the pantry and grabbed a new bottle (jar? container?), and while trying to remove the plastic wrap around the flip-top lid thingy, I accidentally removed the entire label. Well, I wanted to remember what what was in that container, so I meticulously recreated the label with a Sharpie®, and if I do say so myself, you can't tell the difference! See for yourself...

What's Next?

Starbucks elevators? Now we can't even transition vertically between floors without needing a caffeine fix? I mean, I love my coffee as much as the next guy, but this is ridiculous!

...and Jughead Isn't Even Mexican!

I know, I know... the last thing anyone wants to see right now is yet another "Mexican Rooster Coconut Mask Whose Shadow Kinda Looks Like Jughead from the Archies" picture, but when the opportunity presents itself, you have to take it, don't you?

Celebrity Tomato Look-Alikes

I know; spooky, right?

How Do You Say "What Time Is It?" in German?

I just thought this was the coolest clock in the world. I think you can get it in other languages as well from their site.

Warning! Killer Gates

Apparently, these things can "move at any time" and "cause serious injury or death". I think somebody should raise awareness of this little-known danger lurking in our streets. From what I can gather, they attack the midsection of their victims, and pin them against black rectangles.

Please pass along this warning!

Stressed Backwards is...

It just seemed appropriate to follow this dinner...

...with this dessert...

Thought for the Day

I don't have too much to say about this, but I do think it's good advice. After all, you wouldn't want bad mojo spilling into the green beans...

Attention!! Big News!!!

The new issue of "Oily Boy" magazine is on newsstands now!

Note: Author of this blog is NOT responsible for any injuries incurred during the eventual stampede that will surely follow this post.

I Finally Got a Bohnenschneidemaschine!

After months, who am I kidding, years of waiting and praying, I finally have a Bohnenschneidemaschine! This particular Bohnenschneidemaschine was a gift from good friends of ours. And it's not just any Bohnenschneidemaschine, a Schulte Bohnenschneidemaschine. And if you know anything about Bohnenschneidemaschinen, you probably know that Schulte Bohnenschneidemaschinen are the best Bohnenschneidemaschinen that money can buy.

God, I love saying Bohnenschneidemaschine. It just rolls off the tongue! Bohnenschneidemaschine. Bohnenschneidemaschine. Bohnenschneidemaschine. Try it for yourself!

The Dangers of Hitchhiking

Just like your mother always told you; hitchhiking is dangerous, and potentially deadly. This little guy probably thought it would be a good idea to hitch a ride on the vine with a Better Bush tomato; Have a little fun, see the world. Little did he know he would be cut down in the prime of life, never to reach maturity.

Sorry to bring you all down with this cautionary tale, but I felt it needed to be told.

Latest Addiction

I've been putting this stuff on practically everything possible, and can see no end in sight. If I could put it on my Frosted Mini-Wheats, I would.

I'm actually salivating as I write this, that's how bad this addiction is...

(...but I'm sure I could stop if I wanted to)

Law & Order: SAU (Stuffed Animals Unit)

So there we were, just walking the dog on a pleasant summer evening when we saw it. It was horrible. It had been so disfigured we couldn't tell if it was an elephant or a bunny. Stuffing everywhere. So much stuffing...

It's Bad Enough to Lose...

...but to lose in TWO languages hurts twice as bad.

¡Maldito sea!

Artistic Statement of the Day II

I call it "Spider Web on a Bridge Somewhere Between Here and Kansas"

Big Boy Juice Box

A must for any picnic, these little aseptic wine containers are actually quite tasty (and people around you don't know what you're up to!)

(Editor's Note: Those aren't my grungy fingernails...)

Written by a Cat?

I can see how eliminating litter can aid one's enjoyment, but dogs? Man's best friend? What did they do to deserve to be eliminated?

Kind of makes you wonder what was crossed out on the sign...

This Is Art?

Let me start by saying that I am an artist. I appreciate all different kinds of art. I even consider myself relatively knowledgeable on the subject, but after our eagerly anticipated visit to the Art Institute of Chicago's Modern Wing I found myself asking, um, myself the question "Is this Art?" The main gallery featured works by an artist named Cy Twombly, and they consisted of crudely constructed wooden boxes scribbled on and slathered in gesso, as well as some wall-sized canvases at which it looked like he had hurled wet paint-filled rags.

It's a sad commentary that one of the highlights of the day was an audio-visual exhibit called "Tortured Clown" that was basically a small room inside of which several monitors showed looped videos of clowns screaming, throwing tantrums, sitting on the toilet, etc. We wanted to take a photo of the poor guard stationed outside of the exhibit trying valiantly to not go completely out of his mind. We were going to call our piece "Tortured Guard"...

Anyway, to be fair, there were many, many incredible, inspiring works as well, but somehow it's easier (or more fun?) to remember the clowns and the kitty litter (didn't I mention the kitty litter?)

Seen Around Town, Part III

I'm thinking of embroidering this on a throw pillow. Either that or using it as my answering machine message...

Quality Control Fiasco

I'm attempting to start a grass-roots movement to raise awareness of what I consider to be a serious issue; fortune cookie quality control. Every day, millions of people count on the nuggets of wisdom contained inside these crispy little wonders to guide and inspire them; What kind of chaos would the world be in if we could no longer trust the information contained in our fortunes? "But" you say, "it's just a simple typo! Anyone can make a mistake. Aminals, animals... we know what they meant!" Well, consider the famous "Thou shalt commit adultery" typo in the 1631 King James Bible, and tell me if a small error doesn't make a big difference. I just want to know for sure that my lucky number for the day IS 14, not 41. Is that too much to ask?

Seen Around Town, Part II

You know, I don't think they really are "sorry" that their restroom is out of order.

Just sayin'...

Truck Wrecks

You've probably heard of "Cake Wrecks", but when I saw this the other day, I thought that maybe I should start a "Truck Wrecks" blog. The poor Indian looks like one of the California Raisins on Prozac, not to mention the one-legged blind albino buffalo. No need for a "No Tailgating" bumper sticker on this one...

"Solitude"

Seen Around Town

We were walking around downtown this evening and I saw this sign which I thought was kinda dumb, since everybody knows that bicycles can't read (and I apologize to any bicycles that may read this...).

Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!

It only took 10 years, but I finally finished collecting state quarters! I'd been down to needing only Wyoming for a while, and today as I was cleaning out my desk drawer, what did I find hidden under a few guitar picks, pennies and paper clips?

(It was the elusive Wyoming quarter, try to follow along!)

Are You Special Funny?

I know a lot of special people, and I know a lot of funny people, but apparently, people that are "Special Funny" are in a class by themselves and deserve their own section in the greeting card aisle. So if you've been ignoring that Special Funny person in your life simply because you could never quite find the right words to say to them, your troubles are over!

The Yellow Kid

I started reading The Ten-¢ent Plague; The Great Comic-Book Scare and How It Changed America by David Hajdu (of course, if I adhere to my recent modus operandi, I will read about half and then have to return it to the Library) and am finding it fascinating learning how the comic book came to be. Most people agree that the Yellow Kid is the first commercially successful newspaper comic strip, first appearing in the New York World on February 17, 1895.

They don't write 'em like that anymore...

Cute Couple

Just thought I'd share this picture of a cute couple we saw in Chicago the other day. They weren't particularly talkative, but they seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Artistic Statement of the Day

I call it "Tree"...